“How do you do it? How do you just accept that HE is with HER this weekend?”

The accusatory tone of the speaker was jarring. I was explaining that I’m in a poly relationship. That the man I love already had a married lover when he met me. That I didn’t even know he had “liked me liked me” at first. But when I found out, my world shifted and I suddenly found myself in the most wonderful loving healthy relationship of my life.

The skepticism was obvious on this person’s face when I mentioned my sweetheart was away visiting his lover and that no, I was not jealous of their relationship. Their connection had been going on a year + before I ever met any of them.

“I would NEVER be with a partner who slept around. If he’s mine, he’s mine only.” She said this with a harumph. 

Ahhhh there it was. The ever prevalent society accepted idea that we “own” our partners in any way shape or form. 

“He’s my everything”…

It was all I could do not to roll my eyes as another one of my friends pontificated on how the current man in her life had become the main focus of her world.

It wouldn’t have been so bad if she meant it metaphorically, but it was the literal sense in which most of the women I knew took the sentiment that made me feel nervous.

Having someone be your “everything” is a lot of fuckin responsibility. And for the person expressing the feelings, it seems that all the other joys in life shrink to a very narrow idea. 

If he’s with her, she’s happy.
If he’s not, she’s not.

​When I was a little girl, I made up this game called “Escaping”. Originally inspired by the stories of the Underground Railroad, and the book “Roots”, it quickly evolved into something very, very, different. More personal.

The basic premise is exactly what you might think. I’m the protagonist being held against my will, in a world I don’t want to be in. And despite all the odds, I manage to - with a lot of athletic ability, ingenuity, aid from fantastical creatures, and a few bouts of rather unrealistic luck -  break free to live my life however I wish.

I never do continue the game once I break free. Instead, in an endless cycle of repetition, the moment I’ve conquered all, the game “resets” and I start all over.

It’s been years since I played the game. Yet a part of me realized recently, that it never really ended. In a sense I’ve been playing a rather adult version of this game my whole life.

——-

​I’m about to let you in on a little secret I’ve been keeping:

Every time a woman does a post of themselves cooking and puts a caption “wife me up” with a cute heart eyes emoji and a simpering smile, I want to vomit in my mouth a little.

The struggle not to, is real. 

Because I wonder to myself, is this truly ALL women aspire to in 2024? 

We can be scientists, athletes, politicians, creators, artists, photographers, agricultural goddesses, writers, entrepreneurs, inventors, poets, professors, researchers, lawyers, surgeons, conservationists, sustainability leaders, jewelers, architects, philosophers, painters, engineers, deep sea divers, pilots…seriously our possibilities are limitless. 

Trigger warning: The poem featured in this month's blog is from the perspective of a person in an abusive situation. It's dedicated to all those who have ever faced the dilemma of how to deal with it.

You might think the obvious answer is "get out, any way you can", but for those of us who have been there, we know first hand that this so called "obvious" answer is not as simple as it seems. And the options we have may offer little to know assistance in keeping us, or those we love who are also threatened, safe.

If you choose to read it, please do so with an open heart, and compassion. You cannot know the "right thing" for someone to do, unless YOU are the one walking along that very path yourself. And then the answer you might come up with, will still only apply to your situation.

And if you are in an abusive situation, I see you, I hear you, I love you, and you matter. Please believe that you are worth fighting for and give yourself permission to get out - any way you can.