He, She, and Me = Love

Love for the win. In all it's beautiful forms.

“How do you do it? How do you just accept that HE is with HER this weekend?”

The accusatory tone of the speaker was jarring. I was explaining that I’m in a poly relationship. That the man I love already had a married lover when he met me. That I didn’t even know he had “liked me liked me” at first. But when I found out, my world shifted and I suddenly found myself in the most wonderful loving healthy relationship of my life.

The skepticism was obvious on this person’s face when I mentioned my sweetheart was away visiting his lover and that no, I was not jealous of their relationship. Their connection had been going on a year + before I ever met any of them.

“I would NEVER be with a partner who slept around. If he’s mine, he’s mine only.” She said this with a harumph. 

Ahhhh there it was. The ever prevalent society accepted idea that we “own” our partners in any way shape or form. 

​Not to mention, one of the most common misconceptions about being poly. That we were all just out there fucking whoever, whenever. As though there was no love, no trust, no safety and consent talks, no respect, and no care for the other members of the connection.

I took a breath as I settled in for a few minutes. If we were going to change the way the world viewed love, I guess I needed to be open to actually having these conversations.

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There are many different types of poly relationships. In general, polyamory is when you engage in multiple romantic - often sexual - relationships, with full transparency to other romantic connections that you have. Often confused with the concept of being “open” in which partners have discussed intimacy with others without necessarily the benefit of a relationship connection being forged.

Not all poly relationships are open.
Not all open relationships are poly.

There are many styles of polyamory to explore. And while I am not an expert by any means, I can tell you that this poly connection I’m enjoying is one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. But that’s a testament to the the people who I share this connection with, not necessarily the idea of poly itself.

Because when my sweetheart realized he thought I was someone he “liked liked”, he had a conversation with his current lover. (Also with all of his friends and half the town apparently to get advice. I was the only one who was absolutely clueless until he told me. And then I still had  to have him clarify…but that’s a story for another time.)

When I realized I might “like him like him” too, instead of just as the platonic friend I had immediately categorized him as, we had a lot of conversations. We are still talking all of this through. Because feelings developed really fast in our case. And I went from NEVER talking about my private life to showcasing it on full blast on my social media and in public in the small town we live.

It’s been wild.
Totally out of my comfort zone.
And completely freeing to openly love and feel loved.

But all this openness comes at a cost. 

I’ve discovered that people have a LOT of questions, misconceptions, and preconceived ideas. There are some who are just genuinely curious, and want to know more because it is out of their known wheelhouse of experiences. 

Others though, make comments that are laughable in their ridiculousness, or are offensive. And some are extremely intrusive and judgmental in their conversations - which is hard for someone as private as I have been in the past about my personal life.

My love doesn’t know it (but I guess now he is reading this he will), how many people have accused me of seducing him away from his already established lover. I didn't want to mention it to him, because it was disheartening to realize others had this idea of my character. Anyone who knowns me well, knows I live by the credo of “do no intentional harm to myself or others”. 

In fact, I didn’t even know he liked me until he confessed it (in the cutest way). Furthermore I had met his lover during a friends’ outing BEFORE all of this started. And had liked her. (Still do. Her friendship and support has been another beautiful aspect of all of this.)

I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised by some of the flack I have received. There’s a misconception that adult entertainers are “out to steal someone’s man” as though we have no self-respect or personal joy or ethics, and just mooch off of others. 

Plus I’ve always openly talked about my views on relationships, love, sex, desire, and how I didn’t view the traditional way of monogamous love as being the “be all, end all”, way to love. So it’s not surprising that some took my announcement of my poly love as an “aha, see how she is such a Jezebel moment”.

Especially for those who, once upon a time, knew me from when I tried to be in a traditional relationship. And I stayed it in for WAYYYY too long. 

Incidentally, I received hate messages from “friends” when I left that one, even though I did it with kindness and respect for that human. I thought I had severed those toxic connections. However, unbeknownst to me, some of those same people have continued to peek into my life. And now they have cropped up, and taken upon themselves to say some not nice things…It makes me wonder if those people have anything better to do than to hate on me.

Another challenge for me, has been how FAST I fell for this human. It’s been effortless and wonderful and scary all at once. And when he told me he was falling in love with me, my heart SANG the response right back. I’ve been speaking words of love ever since. 

It’s another “OMG what am I doing” moment. Because I‘ve always vocalized how much I loved the world and my tribe, but romantic love was something I don’t fall into fast. Until now. When I felt like this person had been holding a piece of my soul and was simply returning it to me as a gift so I could feel whole and healthy again.

In my naivety I assumed that EVERYONE on the planet would be cheering us on for falling in love. Many have, and I thank you kindly for it! Let’s celebrate love in all it’s wonder and fabulousness. But I’ve also received some pretty weird responses. 

Like when people tell me I don’t know what love is.
Or that they don’t get how I could love a man who also loves another woman.
Or even when I was informed that I simply was horny, and confused lust for love.

(For the record, the sex IS AMAZING, and keeps getting better and better. But that’s because I’ve caught feelings and have so much trust in this man that I can let loose in all my sexual energies with confidence and freedom. I am very much aware of the difference between sex without love, and sex with love. It’s a cool distinction to have discovered.)

It wouldn’t bother me so much that people don’t agree with my idea of love, if they simply accepted that it was just another form of experience - whether they understood it or not. But to have folks insult my intelligence, or gaslight my feelings, is strange. Do others really think I am so dumb as to not know my own my mind? 

And then to find that some react with hatefulness to someone’s loving relationship, simply blows my mind. Has the world gone mad?

But for all of the negative reactions that I’m relaying now, I’ve had some incredibly beautiful ones too. I love watching people’s faces light up when they witness how much HE and I are sharing our happy energy publicly. 

And I appreciate those who have expressed genuine curiosity about a relationship style that they weren’t familiar with. Asking questions and being open to listening to the answers, is one of the most authentic learning styles out there.

But to the person I mentioned at the beginning of this piece, well, we talked. She listened. And she still made derogatory remarks. Which made me realize that it wasn’t JUST that she didn’t get polyamory or this style of love. But also that she simply didn’t like me, and would say anything to try and plant a seed of doubt in my experience.

That’s someone I don’t need to interact with anymore.

As for why I am not jealous of my love’s connection with his initial lover? That’s easy. 

Because love only breeds more love. He’s been through lots in his life too. And loving her, and experiencing that joy, opened his heart to the possibility of me. So for that, I want to thank her. And I did, when I saw her this past weekend while he was out of town. And she and I got to spend some time deepening our friendship. (She’s a pretty amazing human too.)

I don’t regret opening up this window into my private life. I actually hope that our little love story will help others realize that love comes in all shapes and sizes and colors.

And if you’re brave enough to fall in love, you might just be amazed at how much it rocks your world too.

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