In my head I was automatically re-writing the conversation. Willing the girl to stop apologizing for a reasonable request. There was nothing to be sorry about. She wasn’t disturbing the hostess on the call. She wasn’t rude when asking if they had space for six at the restaurant.
“I’m sorry…” A few years ago, I began to notice how often I, and other women, apologized. The words “I’m sorry” flowed through our speech as though they were a required mandate. And it wasn’t just the frequency that grabbed my attention. It was the absurdity of the things that we all apologize for, that really became an irritant.
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Ironically, now that I am safe, in a happy and loving romantic situation, building a life in a warm, welcoming, accepting community, both the anxiety and eating disorder have escalated. That’s not unusual.
Known as “decompression” or “safety paradox”, this phenomenon occurs because the lessening of the major stressors give space for the previously suppressed emotions or reactions to surface more readily. Let’s face it. No one has the luxury of dealing with your issues when stuck in survival mode. So it makes sense, that shizzle comes up when you feel safe.
Once upon a time, I kept a diary filled with all the usual childhood nonsense. Dreams and hopes. Frustrations and confusions. The normal part of small human trying to make sense of the world. It held my most private precious thoughts. Secrets of my still forming soul, and the trials and tribulations of my heart.
I was an imaginative child, but the diary held my truths as I learned and grew. It was a special space, safe to pour out my thoughts. Until it wasn’t.
And to those who are ready to call us all crybabies, this was NOT a simple election of two separate parties. This was a travesty in which a convicted felon, sex offender, misogynist, homophobic, racist, narcissistic white man with a lot of money and power backing him in the most evil disgusting ways, WON the race.
I have no words. I have a lot of words.
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AuthorTink, world traveler, positivity muse, and adult entertainer, has also freelance written for a number of companies as their ghostwriter. Now talking directly to YOU on this platform, she is also writing two books at her community's request. Archives
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