It’s Friday, November 8, 2024. I’m sitting at a coffee shop. In a town I love. After stopping by to check on my wonderful hair stylist. A gay man who is scared about what the election results mean for him and his husband. 

Earlier today I texted some of my transgender friends. They had to pull their child out of school for a day because she was so scared. They are checking their passports to make sure they are in order. Not because they want to leave the country. But because they are afraid they won’t be able to get a passport in the future. Or at least one that correctly identifies them. 

My favorite librarian is worried about his disabled sister’s benefits as the day care center has already made her feel like her care is in jeopardy. He is working two jobs as it is, to make sure his family is cared for properly. 

It’s barely been 48 hours since the election results were announced and I know of no one in my close friend group who is NOT experiencing shock, horror, fear, anger, disappointment, sadness, or a myriad of other negative emotions.

I spent yesterday in tears. Sobbing, ugly, hiccuping tears. And when I finally pulled myself together enough to head to a coffee shop, I cried silently walking the streets to the cafe, as the raindrops fell. Later I cried again. And again. And again.

I woke this morning to a haunted look on my face. And the question in my heart: “With everything going so right in my life, what could possibly have me falling apart so greatly?”

The answer is not so simple. But it starts with something that sounds almost fantastical in its phrasing - INTERNET TROLLS.

When I was a little girl, I loved the stories that included mythological creatures. There was one in which a hero had to cross a bridge. But the bridge was guarded by trolls who lived under it. You wouldn’t even know they existed, until you tried to cross the bridge. And then they appeared to extract their price - in some rather gruesome versions of the story, it was a pound of flesh. 

Interestingly, the bridges in all these stories were actually public structures. The trolls had no more right to take a fee, than did anyone else. But they felt entitled or superior. Or perhaps they merely hated others who walked boldly in plain sight while they felt they had to hide. (Although I’ve never come across a version of the story in which anyone treated them badly until the trolls struck first.)

Sometimes I wonder if anyone out there thinks about the world the same way I do. 

Once upon a time, a sweetheart of mine nicknamed me "Alice". He said witnessing me in the world was like watching a character in a story step through the proverbial looking glass or fall down a rabbit hole.

That my perspective was so full of wonder and curiosity, that it made him worried I didn't see the world clearly with all it's ugliness too.

But I do see it clearly, I simply choose to emphasize it's beauty most of the time in the hopes of inspiring more.

Yet sometimes...I wonder...

I’m always amazed by the people who tell me HOW I should live, MUST use any influence I have, or INSTRUCT me in the way to exist on this planet as a “good person”.

Take for example my social media presence. Time and time again, I have randoms telling me how I SHOULD be posting on behalf of this cause or that cause. And that I “waste” the power I (allegedly) have by showing myself in scantily clad lingerie, or simply sharing my thoughts on living in a healthy manner.

In theory, it may be my platform to do as I like with. But “you COULD be doing more,” is the refrain I’ve heard most often from those who know me the least.

“Perhaps these anonymous faceless nameless people are right”, I thought to myself one day. “Maybe I should be doing more.”

But what exactly could I do?
​

It's mid-December and I'm sitting in one of my favorite local coffee shops. I've met up with friends in town, stopped by the holiday market, enjoyed a lovely hot chocolate. All is right with the world. Except...

As positive of a human as I am, there are still some things we can do better, get better, be better. There are moments in life where I'm left puzzled thinking "Did that just happen?" or "Is this really still an issue in modern times?" or "Why isn't anyone doing something?" 

Sometimes I speak up. Sometimes I feel powerless. Some of these experiences are rather trivial in the grand scheme of things. Whereas others are monumental. And there never seems to be the right time to bring them up.

Until now. I realized that I would be so sad to leave these thoughts just swimming around my head as the year is ending, without at least getting them out into the open. So without further ado, I present to you "things that make me go hmmm"....

(And you might want to check out the footnotes as you read...)