Te Quiero

The author and her sweetheart. Their love is not "everything", but something far better and real.

“He’s my everything”…

It was all I could do not to roll my eyes as another one of my friends pontificated on how the current man in her life had become the main focus of her world.

It wouldn’t have been so bad if she meant it metaphorically, but it was the literal sense in which most of the women I knew took the sentiment that made me feel nervous.

Having someone be your “everything” is a lot of fuckin responsibility. And for the person expressing the feelings, it seems that all the other joys in life shrink to a very narrow idea. 

If he’s with her, she’s happy.
If he’s not, she’s not.

I tried to be a good friend and listen. But the conversation felt eerily familiar. Once upon a time, I was someone’s everything. And as a result, for the second of three times in my short life, I had nearly died. 

Never again did I want to be anyone’s whole world.

———————————--

I love love.

I preach about it with the passion of a born again reverend who’s been splashed by holy water from Aphrodite herself.

It’s the driving force in this world. The one thing that can overcome most obstacles.

Love itself can color someone’s perspective so powerfully, that they forget the concept of “impossible”.

But it seems like people have lost the ability to separate love from loneliness. Or they confuse love with sexual tension or just a good night out. 

And somehow entire relationships claim the title of “love” when in reality they are just desperate people hoping someone else will make them feel better for a short time.

Until recently, I said “I love you” in the romantic sense only twice in my life. The first time I was really really young. Technically still in my “teens”, although legally an adult. 

He was over a decade older, had a thriving career in entertainment, and made me feel safe to explore who I was in that moment.

Although we didn’t stay together, years later we reconnected and I got a chance to say “thank you”. He had helped me to find the courage to be me, at a time when my own biological family was trying to snuff every ounce of life out of me.

The second time I said “I love you” was in error. 

I wanted so badly to believe it. He was good and kind. And appeared to be “normal” compared to the chaos I knew growing up. He offered me a life I wanted and said he was down for the ride. 

By the time I realized that what he really wanted was a little doll to help heal the hurt of his own journey, I felt trapped in a promise to love and honor someone who I didn’t recognize.

Even worse, I lost touch with who I was, and my world shrunk to the point where the days consisted of me counting the minutes for them JUST…TO...BE…OVER. 

To the outside world we were the perfect couple. 

He told people I was his “everything” and  claimed he was mine. But the truth was we looked good on paper, lovely in photos, but all the pretense was a shell covering up the fact that two humans were rapidly losing any sense of themselves.

He put all his energy into keeping me, never realizing that I was getting closer and closer to slipping away. Not simply from him and the suffocation of the situation. But rather from life itself.

I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t look like me. I didn’t sound like me. I felt like a receptacle for him to dump all his hopes and fears and desires into, without ever wanting to have me whole and healthy and fulling my own.

Eventually things came to a head when I sat in the parking lot at the base of a bridge and wondered how it would feel to jump.

Would it hurt? 

Perhaps that would be a blessing because I no longer felt anything. No joy. No pain. No connection to this world. 

I was sick sick sick. Unable to keep food down, and yet… No one knew. Just as I had been taught as a child, I kept a smile on my face and went through my day with seemingly effortless ease.

But that moment at the base of the bridge broke something in me.

Because I realized it didn’t matter if I jumped or not. I already no longer existed thanks to the weight of being someone’s “everything”.

I remember hearing screaming and wondering if I needed to call 911. Then I realized the sounds came from me. I screamed and screamed and screamed. But despite the fact that I screamed myself hoarse, I still felt nothing.

I’d love to tell you I left this toxic situation then and there. But it took a lot longer. And in the slow process I learned to say YES to myself, and NO to anything that sucked the life away from my soul.

———————————--

Recently I met someone incredible. 

I wasn’t looking. He was part of my new friends’ group in the city I now live in. Like me, he’s poly, and I had met his married lover on one of the group friendly outings. She seemed like someone I would be friends with too. 

We kept interacting as platonic friends. But unbeknownst to me, he had started to feel something a bit more. And when he finally told me he “liked me liked me”, I was surprised to find I felt that way too.

Since then things have moved fast. And passionately. And beautifully. Suddenly I am part of this wonderful polycule, and his incredible friends group, and thus my world - already exciting and fabulous and full - seems to have exploded with color.

I feel alive and beautiful and inspired - more so than ever.

And in the midst of all this joy, I found courage to post myself with this human openly in a way that I had never let my extended community see before. Although considered a rather public person, my private life has always been extremely separate from my online presence. 

But now I’m snapping pics and holding hands and kissing in the midst of crowds on street corners. I’m literally laying my soul and heart bare for all to see and I’m loving every moment.

Until…

An acquaintance sent a message that basically said “how wonderful you’ve found someone to be your everything”. 

My what???

I felt a moment of fear and panic. I don't want someone to be my "everything", and oh goddess I don't want to be anyone's "everything" either. For a second I wanted to run run run as fast and far as I could. 

But only for a moment. 

Because I realized this random acquaintance was projecting THEIR idea of love onto what I was feeling. And it couldn’t have been further from the truth.

This man is NOT my everything. Nor am I his. 

I don’t need him to lead a happy life, and he doesn’t need me to fill any holes in his life or heal trauma.

We both already had and continue to have, vibrant full existences. And as a result, the love we are sharing is ENHANCING our respective journeys. 

Yes, we’ve already said “I love you” to one another. 
Yes, things have been intense.

But we bring life and energy TO one another, instead of taking it from one another.

It’s exhilarating. 

And although I am not a futurist, I predict this is only going to continue to grow in time. We even joke that we might light the whole world up with love, and I don’t think the reality - should this continue - would be that far off from the idea.

So no, he’s NOT my everything by any sense of the word. But what he offers freely to my life leads to me to desiring this connection for as long as it serves as both.

No te necesito mi amor, pero sí te quiero en mi vida. 
I don’t need you, my love, but I do want you in my life.

———————————--

To those who still insist that their partner(s) is/are their everything, I offer a suggestion. 

Look in the mirror, and ask yourself if you truly love the person staring back. Because that is the one person you will always wake up with forever. Make sure you love yourself BEFORE you dare to love anyone else.

Ownership is not love. 
Obligation is not love.

Love is freedom and inspiration. Here’s to hoping you find it too.

---

Have something to say? Feel free to comment below. Want to support Tink's writings? Click the Cashapp link here to become a patron of her work!