It was like they were always watching me. Judging me. Finding me lacking. Even when I went to sleep each night, their eyes glistened in the darkness. They soaked up every ounce of ambient light, leaving me vulnerable, cold, and frightened.

What if they came alive?
Would they replace me?
And would she finally be happy?

By daylight, they weren’t any less scary. Frozen in perpetual RBF, always immaculately dressed, the dolls seemed to be a constant delight to the parental figure who claimed the name of “mommy”.

​Some even had their own cabinet, kept sparkling clean like everything else in the structure where we lived.

I, however, had the audacity to BE “less than”… 

Once upon a time, a guy liked a girl. At first he just smiled whenever he saw her pass by. She always seemed so happy, and he wondered what made her so.

One day, they actually chatted. He helped her carry something. After that, she would always smile AT HIM when they ran into each other. Which was often, because he had a shop, and she lived close by.

He started to look forward to seeing her anytime she walked by his shop. He mentioned her to his friends. He gave her free stuff. His day seemed less bright if she didn’t pop in.

Then, one day, they flirted with each other. At least he thought she was flirting. He hoped she was flirting. Did she realize HE WAS flirting??? 

Wow he was out of practice at this. But it felt cute. Fun. So he grew bold and he sent a really flirty message to her social media. To his surprise and delight, she responded. 

​

I am many things. 
But there are many things, I am not.

I am NOT your ride AND die. 
I am NOT the woman BEHIND the man.
And I am most certainly NOT proving my loyalty by staying home, when I could be out living my life.

Perhaps we can blame this current set of mentalities, like so many other things in modern times, also on the pandemic. Because while such nonsense did in fact exist before, it seems to have taken on epic proportions lately.

​Like this ridiculous notion that I, as a woman, am supposed to prove myself, to a man. Or that I am to stand unflinchingly BEHIND him as his “Queen”, while he goes out and creates a life for “us”.

There are multiple flaws to these being essential qualities for a “good woman”.