You scream, I scream...

If screams are drowned out by waves of other voices, does anyone get heard? Original photo by Richard Rodriguez, edits by the author

I’m always amazed by the people who tell me HOW I should live, MUST use any influence I have, or INSTRUCT me in the way to exist on this planet as a “good person”.

Take for example my social media presence. Time and time again, I have randoms telling me how I SHOULD be posting on behalf of this cause or that cause. And that I “waste” the power I (allegedly) have by showing myself in scantily clad lingerie, or simply sharing my thoughts on living in a healthy manner.

In theory, it may be my platform to do as I like with. But “you COULD be doing more,” is the refrain I’ve heard most often from those who know me the least.

“Perhaps these anonymous faceless nameless people are right”, I thought to myself one day. “Maybe I should be doing more.”

But what exactly could I do?
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​Ironically enough for being the extroverted rather public human that I am, it’s my quieter moments in which I feel that I’ve been able to effect the most change. Like the conversation I had with a new acquaintance who had made a transphobic snide comment expecting me to laugh. 

I didn’t.

Instead I calmly told him that I didn’t think his remark was funny; and then engaged in a discussion of why his behavior was not only uncouth, but a dangerous line of thinking. To his credit, he listened, and actually openly talked with me about why he felt compelled to make such boorish comments. (Turned out it stemmed from his fear of being seen as “less manly” if he didn’t make such brutish unfunny jokes.)

Or the time I posted an original poem about what love is, and had both men and women send DMs discussing relationship behaviors. Several conversations led to people realizing their OWN behaviors were toxic and they committed to change.

But these types of talks are behind the scenes. And to those who do not witness them, like the proverbial tree falling in the woods being heard, they naturally scoff at whether these discussions occurred at all. Or if they actually made any difference in the world.

You might be wondering WHY randoms seem to think it is MY responsibility to rally others for change. I ponder this question every time I get a DM telling me what I am supposed to be doing.

And yet…

I DO BELIEVE that all of us have a social responsibility to actively work to make this world a better place. 

I also DO BELIEVE it is important to speak up against atrocities, and for the betterment of all. 

And I am EXTREMELY passionate about supporting those whose voices are silenced.

Where I differ from many of my detractors, is that I don’t feel there is ONLY ONE WAY to be of service. And I also do not judge others for how they use their energies either.

Take the Black Lives Matter movement. The injustices and outright crimes perpetuated against peoples of color horrifies me. I do think we need to give voice to this issue, and point out the inequalities, unfairness, and the dangers that come from anyone treating another human as less than due to the color of their skin, ethnic origin, or any other identifier. And I have always supported the right to peaceful protests as a means of being heard.

But when the BLM protest happened in Boston in the midst of the pandemic, I did not go. And although I didn’t publicize the fact that I didn’t attend, apparently among some locals who decided that I SHOULD have been there, it was NOTICED. 

As a result, I received HATEFUL messages. (It should be noted that not a single one of these people sending messages was a person of color.)

It seems odd that people I barely know are so hyperaware of my life and (their perception of) my influence. Isn’t there a better use of their energies? Why am I their focus?

Now let’s get something clear on my stance. As I’ve already stated, I do SUPPORT the right to a peaceful protest. That doesn’t mean I intend to participate in one. I also support our military with my whole heart although I am very pro-peace when it comes to my thoughts on wars themselves. Supporting one idea does not preclude my support of the other.

But back the protest matter, I am also an empath. Large angry crowds are overwhelming for me. I avoid malls like the plague during the Christmas season, and black Friday finds me anywhere BUT a store. Happy crowds at a concert are like a battery boost. Disgruntled crowds are sensory overload and make me feel like I’m in danger. Even when I am not.

Coupled with the fact that during the quarantine I was having panic attacks daily triggered by claustrophobia from being indoors. And waking up gasping for air EVERY SINGLE MORNING because I thought I was being suffocated. 

So putting myself in the middle of a large angry crowd was NOT a smart idea. I would have been just another body, and one easily incapacitated under such stress.

Once again, I had many, many, incredible conversations behind the scenes. Several were quite difficult because I discovered that some seemingly wonderful kind people had extremely misguided ideas when it came to racism, white privilege, and whether they themselves exhibited such tendencies. 

These were not easy exchanges to have, and I cannot promise that I changed the minds or opened the eyes of all I came in contact with. But I know of a few that had rather big awakenings, and I am certain our open communications played a part.

Already though I hear the echos of my naysayers letting me know that what I have done is not enough. Not nearly enough. And how dare I not do more?

Take the war in Gaza. 

I am outraged that Israel the nation is committing genocide on an entire race of people. My heart breaks. I don’t even know how to process this information. AND yet when I say anything about this situation, I am accused of antisemitism. 

But standing for the Palestinians does not preclude me from standing up against antisemitism. I can and am both for the call for ceasefire to save the lives of innocent people trapped in a war they did not start, AND for the freedom for all from religious persecution. 

Being pro-stop-the-war-in-Gaza, doesn’t make me anti-Jewish. Judaism itself teaches to try and avoid war; and I’ve never heard of a Jewish-based teaching which makes killing innocent men, women, and children, an acceptable practice.

Maybe the real crux of the problem here is not the Karens of the world looking to tear me down for what they have decided I SHOULD do, but rather the fact that it BOTHERS ME so much. Because there are days when I DO feel helpless. Like I haven’t made a difference. Only my heart knows that is not true.

I stopped watching the news years ago. Once an avid reader of world journalism, I became overwhelmed by the lack of ACTUAL reporting. Selling fear and sowing distrust appeared to be how stations made profits in modern times. 

Yes, we have lots of horrible things happening in the world. But the stories about them were not the impartial factual reports I had grown up believing journalism to be. 

Suddenly it seemed that every news person was driven by the support of a political agenda, instead of the fair and impartial dissemination of information. Editorials were now promoted as the “news of the day”, and my scientific mind became worn out trying to extract the facts from opinion-based fear-mongering stories.

As social media has grown more powerful too, much of what I want to know can be found in the clips, reels, and snippets posted. But obtaining information in such a way also comes at a price. 

Because all of it is carefully curated so that I see what someone else wants me to see. The algorithm gods have decided what interests me based on the calculations of clicks I’ve done in the past. So I am still finding out only what someone else (or some AI tech) has decided I should know, and has made the most noise about.

It all would make me feel so helpless still except for two simple facts. I have the POWER to find out more. And I can CHOOSE how I deal with the information.

Like the moment I found out Roe vs Wade was overturned. And my heart broke for the girl I once was. The girl who had been sexually assaulted in the past. Fortunately my attack didn’t result in a pregnancy. But had it happened today, and had conception been the result, would I have been forced to carry my rapist’s baby to term?

I posted a story to my Instagram initially, but then decided not to post more. Opening up my old wounds wasn’t feeling like the healthiest way for me to emphasize why this legislation had such negative consequences. 

So once again then I am back to the beginning. HOW DO I MAKE A DIFFERENCE?

Because regardless of whether anyone else agrees with my methods, my core values are these two premises:

1. Do no intentional harm to myself or others.
2. Share my story in the hopes it inspires others on their respective journey.

So I do what I always do. I have conversations. I listen with an open heart. I try to make my voice heard among those who do pay attention, so that maybe I can change one person’s mind.

But I don’t scream. I don’t blast. And I don’t engage in ways that aren’t authentic to who I am, or that are unhealthy for me to practice. 

Because if you scream, and I scream, and everyone is screaming, then no one gets heard. 

And I am determined to be heard. Even if it’s just by one human at a time.

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