What I deserve

This photo shoot was taken days after this breakup. It's one of the author's favorites because she saw her strength in the pics.

Relationships are fascinating. I'm very open with mine. 

There's no pretense. I say how I feel. I tell exactly what I want. And I respect that -sometimes - the other person may not want that too.

In that case, I would rather part ways than ever ask someone to accept less than they desire.

I've discovered not everyone feels this way. The poem below was written in 2022 during a break up. I discovered that the person lied about everything. And then tried to convince me their lying was justified because they "didn't want to lose me".

In truth he just wanted what he wanted, and knew that I didn't want the same. He took away my right to choose for myself whether what his desires meshed with my own.

Integrity is a nonnegotiable for me. I don't believe in "white lies" or that there is a kindness in tell falsehoods. A relationship based on a lie is not a connection I am willing to entertain. 

What are your relationship values? Feel free to leave in the comments after reading my poem.

​He wanted to still be in my life he said
After hours of tearing apart everything I was
Telling me how I “really” felt as though I didn’t know my own heart

He wanted us to still have talks and sex and share everything 
Except
Except

He wanted me to understand first that all he said and did were fake
So many lies and deceits and all done because….
He wanted to give me what I deserved

What I deserved?
I sat quietly listening to the tangled web of logic missing rationalizations
Half truths unraveling the more he spoke

He wanted us to be there for one another
Just, well, only when he desired and how he desired because…
He didn’t want to lose me

I was drowning in his wants
Suffocating in depths of deceits
Gasping with the weight of his needs crushing my own

I heard he couldn’t understand why I blocked him
He was puzzled as he thought I was a special person
So how could I be so cruel and unloving?

I almost laughed but it hurt too much 
“I didn’t stop loving you” 
I thought as I began to breathe again

I simply remembered to love myself. 

(Original poem written September 12, 2022)

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