So I’m about as far from virginal newbie at amorous entanglements as you can get. My past romances include multiple open relationships. (As well as some monogamous ones. Although not generally my preference.) But not since high school have I actually “dated”. The reality of my love life is a bit different from the traditional POV the apps promote… My first “date” was when I was 12 going on 13. He was 17. Our parents knew each other and thought it was cute to have us go out. (In fairness, I don’t think he or his parents realized quite how young I was. That never came out until after the date.) No one asked me my opinion. Had someone asked, I would have said “I didn’t want to go on this date”. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I wanted to date anyone. I wanted to read my books and play outside and be a little kid. But no one asked how I felt. So I found myself on a very awkward first date. (Which is a story in and of itself for another time.) Oddly enough for people who constantly admonished me to “not be a whore”, my parents (especially my mother) thrived on the attention I seemed to get from men. Despite being a minor, I looked more mature than I was physically or emotionally. And although I didn’t dress in any type of way - the typical reasoning blamed on young girls who attract sexually charged attention - I drew lots of interest. Often from much older people who really shouldn’t have been looking at me in that manner. However I soon discovered that “dates” occasionally got me out of the house. As did boyfriends. But within very strict limits and confines. So in an atypical way, I dated all the way through high school. (Atypical because sadly, instead of hanging at local teenage hotspots, my parents would insist on most of my boyfriends spending time at our home…sigh…more weirdness to be shared another time perhaps…) But suddenly I was 18 and in college and on my own for the first time. Paying for my own education and expenses and “acting” like an adult. Even then, however, I didn’t really date. I sort of fell into relationships - rather organically and with lots of exploits and fun. Take for instance my first college boyfriend who I met my premier night on campus. He wasn’t even a student at my school. Or anywhere really. He had already graduated from UCLA. However the school allowed him to rent a room in the dorms with his buddy who WAS a graduate student on my campus. So when orientation rolled around, he came down to meet the “fresh meat”. Like me. He was six years older than me. That first night I went off campus with him and a group of his friends, and stayed out all night drinking coffee and talking music. Far from being predatory (as it may sound), it was exhilarating. We dated for the better part of that year…And he was the one who first got me, a girl too poor to own her own laptop, into computers. And a job eventually with Microsoft…but I digress… After we broke up, I discovered more friends and people in arts and music, and that initial summer out in LA LA Land, I met the first love of my life. This man was over a decade my senior and in the entertainment industry. Life became filled with late nights and even later mornings. Our only “date” was me showing up to a gig he had, at a rock club that I was technically too young to get into to. But no one stopped me at the door once I said who I was there for. Thus began another of my voyages into relationship… He was the first man I lived with. We danced around the kitchen to old music from the 20s and 30s. Laughed at the same things. Had sex at the most random hours with our schedules. Life with him was fun. He was my Pan - the boy who would never grow up completely. And I was his little Tinkerbell - spreading magic into places in his life he didn’t know he needed it. I loved him with the ferocity and ignorance of youth, and he adored me for my feisty spirit and “of course I can do anything” attitude. (Naivety is such a blessing sometimes.) There’s a pattern to my life and loves. I meet people organically and the spark just appears. Most of my relationship partners and I have actually shared a good laugh over the fact that we didn’t “date”. We simply seemed to ignite into a lit path together and then…adventures… Even the beautiful man I live with now…a man I am WILDLY in love with in ways I didn’t know I could fall in love. We didn’t start out dating. We met when a mutual friend invited me out with another group of her friends. Yet as far as I was concerned, he was friend zoned immediately. He lived in my extremely small town (that I still live in) and was already in relationship with someone else (who doesn’t live locally). Two big strikes against him as I did not want to date local, and generally - although open to poly - I am not a fan of walking into existing dynamics. But then he told me he “liked me liked me”. And then next thing I knew, my heart was off and running into a whole new set of shenanigans with a human who constantly surprises me with the depth and breadth of how he loves me. But we didn’t start off “dating” each other. We fell into things with a passionate playfulness that is visible to all who know us. So I wasn’t joking when I said that “dating” is new to me. And dating by meeting people on apps? A whole other weird and wonderful world. My lover in Italy once told me I should be nicknamed “Alice”. Because I look at the world as though I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and found an upside down magical place. I definitely feel like an Alice right now. Looking at a whole new world of images and words, and maybe finding a spark...of something... I’ve written about the “spark” before. That feeling of electricity when you meet someone and you KNOW.
With the apps though, it’s all backwards for me. I have no expectations when I view someone. Other than “Wow cute or interesting pics” and an acknowledgement that they might have something about them that interests me. However whether that interest is platonic or romantic (on my end), I won’t know until I meet them. Plus I’m NOT looking for anything OTHER than the adventure of meeting a cool new human. So if the sole interaction is that first meeting, awesome. But if it turns into a new friend or a casual fling or a head over heels romance - wildly fun. However I’ve discovered this “no expectations, meeting new people is an adventure” mentality is NOT the norm for many. (Other than my partner, who I seem to jive with in this respect.) It seems like everyone is looking to fill a checklist. And sometimes on the apps, I’m wondering if they even bother to read my profile at all. Because I definitely do not fit what they claim to be looking for:
Yet despite some of the very strange DMs and pings (MAGA guys, please stop sending me weird messages), I’m having a blast trying this dating thing. There’s a sense of fun in the sweet little DMs once I vibe (online) with someone. There’s the anticipation of the meetup, and picking out what to wear. There’s the fun of telling my partner that I am meeting someone new. (I enjoy sharing this aspect of my life with him. It is wonderful being with someone who accepts and loves me as I am, and is genuinely excited for us both to explore connections with others.) And then the OMG of talking with my partner and close friends about how it went. I’m enjoying the experience. However as a newbie dater, I will say it does feel a bit unnerving going into the date knowing the person on the other end MIGHT have a checklist of requirements they want me to meet. So if you and I match - IRL or online - I ask one thing: Be open to the girl behind the pics being a potentially fabulous experience, or simply a new friend, or maybe something more. Emphasis on the OR. But without putting any pressure or expectation of who you desire me to be, on me. Because that is the fastest way for this little Alice, to climb back up the rabbit hole and shut down all her app profiles. But until then…off to the Wonderland of dating we go…stay tuned. Have something to say? Feel free to comment below. Want to support Tink's writings? Click the Cashapp link here to become a patron of her work!
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AuthorTink, world traveler, positivity muse, and adult entertainer, has also freelance written for a number of companies as their ghostwriter. Now talking directly to YOU on this platform, she is also writing two books at her community's request. Archives
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