The right to exist

New Year. New Hair. But the right to exist? The author doesn't feel that should be a new concept.

​“Well you must have done something to provoke him…,” her voice trailed off.
​
“Yeah,’ I replied, “I did something alright…I existed…”

I walked away shaking my head.

I was so frustrated. I was telling someone about a recent experience in which a man approached me in the grocery store, and paid me a compliment about my smile. I said thank you, and turned back to my shopping.

I thought that was the end of it.

Then he asked for my number. I politely replied that I don’t give it out, but thanked him again for his kind words a moment ago.

And that’s when things took a weirdly dangerous turn.

​He backed me into, no, that’s not even accurate for me to say. He PUSHED me into the cereal boxes and began to berate me by asking who the fuck I thought I was to refuse him. 

It was scary. To say I was shook up would be a cliche of grand proportions.

That’s not even the crazy part.

People SAW. 
People saw, and did nothing.

You read that correctly. 

People saw me, a rather petite woman, be shoved by a man, yelled at by the same man, and they kept walking and shopping.

I’d say the experience couldn’t have come at a worse time as I was feeling particularly vulnerable, but it’s not even an isolated incident. 

However before I explain, let’s back up a moment. 

If you’re new here, my name is Tink. 
I’m 5’3” of pure energy.
Literally. 

I’m hyperactive, generally cheerful, and a real lover of life. 

I love practically everything. Art, dance, literature, hiking, climbing, writing, music, computers, painting, travel, fashion, science, - you name it, I probably have an interest in it, or in learning how to do/make/create/enjoy it.

People though, are also a source of joy, and I find them fascinating. 

One of the reasons I’ve been successful in a variety of careers, and felt at home all over the world, was because of my love of people. Strangers really ARE just friends I haven’t met yet. I adore how everyone has a story to tell, something you can learn from them, or are examples of human beauty - inside and out. I’m fascinated by people’s respective journeys.

I’m fortunate that - since I was just a little girl - people seem attracted to my open energy, and genuine “I like you” spirit. Doesn’t mean that I’m everyone’s cup of tea. But it has afforded me an ease as I move into new situations, and opened doors that I never even dreamed would open.

Unfortunately though, there is a dark side to this magnetic energy of mine. But the darkness, doesn’t come from me.

You see, along with people being drawn to me in a positive manner, I’ve also had a lot of people feel entitled to my time, my energy, my knowledge, and even my body. So entitled that they are willing and often eager to ignore, and roughly disregard, boundaries that I set.

Let’s begin with the most innocuous of entitlements.

When I am in public, on almost a daily basis, I’ve been interrogated, harassed, and told that MY consent, is not required for someone to get their satisfaction from me.

Sounds a bit melodramatic. 
But let’s take a very simple idea to start. 

I’ve moved around for much of my adult life. I’ve lived in a number of cities in the United States, as well as in different countries. I don’t consider myself attached to any one place as a “hometown”. 

But when I’ve been asked where I’m from and I say that I don’t have a “hometown”, people won’t let it rest. They want to know about my accent (I don’t sound very “American”), where I grew up, how many years I spent in different places, who my parents are and where are they from. And on and on and on. 

It doesn’t matter when I politely say I am not comfortable discussing any of this. People push and push and won’t let it go. 

I’ve had people follow me around YELLING questions at me while at parties, in bars, at a restaurant where the table next to me wouldn’t leave me alone after they heard me place my order, at gas stations, ice cream shops, thrift stores, classrooms, while walking down the street and being randomly approached by strangers (men and women), in stores when I pay for things (both customers and salespeople), and on and on. 

You get the point.

This verbal entitlement is the most innocuous of examples. 
But it happens daily. 
And it is EXHAUSTING.

Note: Even if I answer a question, it never stops at one question. There is ALWAYS a follow up. 

And then another. 
And another. 

And then expressions of disbelief because my life path doesn’t adhere to a “traditional” trajectory. Which is generally followed up by arguments with me as though I don’t know the details of my life and must provide PROOF of where I’ve been and what I’ve done and who I’ve done them with.

It’s become such an issue, that I often feel as though I am on on a witness stand, and my life is on trial. Or that who I am is some kind of "freak show”, and my life is on display for others to tear apart or be entertained by - whichever suits them best in that moment. 

So I set a boundary and I don’t answer questions. However, as MANY people have told me, MY not wanting to answer questions does NOT matter. Because THEY WANT to know about me. 

The entitlement is terrifying.
And it’s getting worse.

I love to go out on my own. I see shows, go to museums, take myself dancing on occasion. I love coffee shops to write in, and hiking trails in state parks to clear my head.

It used to be safe - or at least I felt safe - to do these things on my own. But the world has been changing rapidly recently. And not for the better.

An Oompah Loompah is President of the United States. And with the implicit consent (shown by their explicit silence) of the other powerful politicians around him, he has made it obvious that bullying, sexual harassment, and violence, is not only okay, but is tolerated, and encouraged.

It is unfathomable to me, that the highest office in the land, is held by a man who once stated it was fine to grab a woman’s pussy. He calls women journalists “piggy” and tells them to shut up, publicly. No one comes to their defense when this happens.

He’s created a gestapo of bullies who terrorize immigrants. He upgrades into positions of power people who are repealing every advance this country has made regarding equality, and fairness, among genders and ethnicities and economic status.

He blatantly lies, cheats, steals - publicly and proudly. 
And people applaud.

They smile on TV and cheer him on. They post comments that encourage him and commend him for his behavior on social media. I’m fully convinced that a large population of our country would happily jump off cliffs with no parachute if he said it was safe.

They are that enamored of him.

And that’s just on a national scale. Internationally, he set a precedent that relationships with others only matter if he gets what he wants. 

He’s literally created a culture in which he takes what he desires, and makes it clear, that if you want something, and can harass, cajole, or exploit to get it, you should. Even at the cost of harming someone else. Maybe especially so. Because he seems to take great enjoyment in it.

As do those who revere him.
Of which there are many.

Likewise many of those who don’t, still are complicit in his behavior, by their silence.

Is it any wonder then, that now people feel entitled to getting anything they want from others? Verbally, physically, emotionally, financially?

Or is it even so surprising that we now live in a world where a woman being physically assaulted in a grocery store because she said “no thank you” to a man’s advances, is so normal, that we walk away and continue shopping?

It’s interesting to me. 
Morbidly fascinating. 

Like having an out of body experience all the time witnessing behaviors, and then realizing that I’m one of the ones being harmed.

It’s also fucking with my head in a major way.

Because at my core, I still love people. But lately my world is shrinking. Or maybe I’m shrinking my relationship with the world.

I’ve been afraid to take up space. In recent months, I’ve felt sad, angry, afraid, depressed, and more and more out of touch with who I am.

Because who I am, attracts attention. Regardless of whether I want it or not. And while for many years, much of that attention was positive, it now feels dangerous.

It doesn’t matter what I wear. 

The incident in the grocery store happened while I was fully enveloped from head to toe in winter wear and a generous jacket. The time I was assaulted at a bus stop, I was wearing baggy jeans and an oversized polo shirt. And the first time I ever attracted the attention of a stalker, I was dropping off an eyeglass prescription while wearing ratty gym clothes. 

It doesn’t matter what I do for a living. 

I’ve been an adult entertainer, a teacher, a paralegal, a purchaser, a marketing director, a health and wellness professional, a model, a life coach, a retail worker, a waitress, a writer, and more. In EVERY profession, I’ve had someone behave inappropriately, push professional boundaries, or even assault me physically.

It doesn’t matter if I have a “man” escorting me. 

Yes, this is a really dumb suggestion that I have heard MORE THAN ONCE as a way to stay safe. Some of the things that happened to me, occurred when I walked away from my escort to go to the bathroom, or grab a water, or even to step outside for air. Twice, even in front of the men I was with at the time. 

Two different men. Two different occasions.
Both men thought it was amusing. I didn’t.

And why, I wonder, is the onus on me to change who I am, instead of on others to simply not act badly?
Why am I being told that I need to not attract attention by my existence?

Where are our values?
When did it become acceptable to blame the person being harmed, for the abuser's behavior?

I’m not alone in these stories. Although that fact doesn't make it easier. It hurts my heart. Because many of the people I know have been harassed, or assaulted, for any number of reasons - including for their gender, race, sexual orientation.

​Hell, just for existing.

On my own, I could literally write a book on the experiences I’ve had which are scary, terrifying, annoying, insulting, frustrating, dangerous, and disheartening. 

All of them occurred while I was going about my normal everyday life. 
Existing.

I have chapters worth of stories. From the verbal harassment, to the experiences I still have nightmares about ,and scars to remind me of, on my body.

But that’s not the book I want to write. 

I have so many other stories to tell. About the kindness of strangers. About laughter and love, in both the silly and serious moments of life.

I want to write about living authentically, loudly, excitedly, and proudly. I want to write about the triumphs of the world, and the people who I’ve met who created the extraordinary within the ordinary parts of their journeys. 

However in order to write those stories, I have to be able to continue to EXIST. Safely. Independently. Without fear. And with a sense of love for my fellow people.

That’s going to be really hard to do, if I am having to stand alone in saying that I, and EVERY HUMAN, have a right to exist. And that NO ONE is entitled to our lives - in any capacity. 

Will you stand with me?

Are you brave enough to say, “no she doesn’t have to answer questions,” or “stop, you have no right to harm her”?

Are you strong enough to curb your own desires, to quell any sense of entitlement to another’s time, energy, body, intelligence, life story?

And do you have the COURAGE to say equality, freedom, self-autonomy, and justice is for EVERYONE - irrespective of race, ethnicity, gender, spiritual beliefs, or sexuality?

If so, welcome to my journey. Those who are kind, brave, and truly open to respecting one another, are all invited to share in this space.

I hope, dear reader, that you are one of the them.

Happy New Year.

Xoxo
Tink

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