Sugar Sugar

In a world filled with mixed signals and poor communication in traditional relationships, the author admires the transparency and directness of a genuine sugar-style connection.

​“I adore you. Truly. You mean everything to me. At least let me be your sugar daddy for the day. I’ll take you to dinner, shopping, you name it. No strings attached. I swear it.”

It was 1:30am and I was wearing nothing but a tiny little G-string and a 100-watt smile, while straddling the lap of the man issuing this proclamation. We had been having a wonderful time in the club’s champagne room, laughing and talking as I danced a private show for this patron. 

We had only met a few hours prior. And despite the fact that I was certain the couple beers he had downed up at the bar had contributed to his sense of adoration, I was also just as sure that he meant the affectionate offer he was giving - at least in this moment.

The issue therefore, that I was having in accepting this generous and seemingly innocuous proposition, lay not in the doubts of the veracity of the overture, but rather in a very simple truth.

Most people have no clue what a sugar relationship truly entails. So allow me to enlighten you.

​The confusion I find, has a lot to do with our instant gratification culture. Not to mention the stereotypical presentation which social media falsely portrays of the sugar daddy, sugar baby relationship. 

I’ve informally polled many people over the years about their beliefs of what it is, and inevitably I hear a few MYTHS reiterated almost verbatim, and ad nauseam:

-- First that a sugar relationship is ALWAYS between an older man and a much younger woman, in which the man has all the money and uses it to buy the (false) devotions of the woman.

-- Second, that sex is ALWAYS involved.

-- Third, there is no genuine affection between the two, therefore the connection is strictly transactional. And the woman is generally considered to have loose morals and be a certified “gold digger”.

-- Fourth, the man controls all of the woman’s time.

-- Fifth, the woman has little else going for her life other than this monetized relationship.

In reality, a sugar connection can be varied and much more complex than any of these myths suggest. I myself have had sugar relationships - two of them both platonic and before the age of 21. Neither fit this stereotype. Both patrons were interested in the occasional quiet dinner companion, and someone to attend events with, who could conduct themselves in an elevated manner. 

Despite my youth, I was self-educated, and well-traveled. As a performer I was used to being on stage, and at ease chatting with people. I fit what they were searching for, and they compensated me well for my time. Eventually each of the relationships came to a natural end, and we parted ways, both of us better for the time spent together.

Now I’m not so naive, nor are you so gullible, as to claim that most sugaring relationships are platonic. But sex itself, is often not the end goal. Intimacy however, is a huge part. And in a world in which people feel extremely disconnected despite having a phone loaded with social apps attached to their hands 8+ hours a day, it is no wonder that sugaring helps fill a very real void in many people’s lives.

I find the world today though, rather narrow minded and devoid of imagination when it comes to the idea of a sugaring relationship. 

It is 2026, yet society vilifies the women (rarely the men) who engage in these types of connections. And thanks to misrepresentation in popular culture, the men who come into the club are often confused when proclaiming they want this type of connection with me, because they seem to view it as a “pay-to-play” one off transaction. 

Which is the not the case, and NOT an option that I am at all interested in entertaining at this point in my life.

But I’m not opposed to the sugaring lifestyle, should the right opportunity present itself again.

Sugaring itself is rooted in forming an honest connection in which both parties communicate their needs, and come to a mutually beneficial agreement in how they wish to spend time together to fulfill those wants. When set up correctly, I find sugaring to be a much more transparent and enjoyable exchange than many of the experiences my friends find on their dating apps. 

So let’s break down together what a real sugar relationship might look like.

First it does not have to be between a man (sugar daddy) and a woman (sugar baby). Any gender can fulfill either of those roles. However for the sake of simplicity, let’s refer to them as they are conventionally known: an SD (sugar daddy) and SB (sugar baby).

The SD typically approaches the potential SB with their desires for companionship in some manner. But this idea that one can be an SD after meeting someone for a few minutes is ridiculous. A true sugar relationship takes time to build up trust, and involves clearly communicated boundaries as in ANY healthy liaison.

Although allowances and gifts often accompany the offer as tokens of appreciation for time, many relationships also involve other benefits for the SB. Such as mentoring, introductions to new networks in a field the SB is interested in, or cool experiences such as shows or travel. 

And despite the fact that society makes a huge deal out of this aspect of the connection, I find it no different than when a more traditional partner pays for dinners, takes me out on dates, or introduces me to their professional or personal contacts.

A sugaring connection is not usually a “one and done” experience. But on the rare occasion this happens (possibly because they find they are not as compatible as anticipated), it’s interesting that society vilifies the encounter. Have traditional relationship advocates never had an evening that ended up being no more than a one night stand?

In addition this idea that the connection is rooted in an SD controlling the life of an SB is ludicrous. SB’s are not at the beck and call of their partner or partners. (Yes, not unlike polyamorous or open relationships, both parties may engage in multiple attachments of this nature simultaneously. ) 

An SD and SB each have their individual lives, and come together at mutually agreed upon time frames, for a predetermined experience. Just like anyone else having a date with a partner does - in which physical intimacy may or may not be part of the date.

The truth is, there is no one right way to engage in a sugar relationship. The topic itself could fill the pages of several books, and still not cover all the possibilities. 

But in a world growing increasingly disconnected from honest and transparent traditional connections, I find sugaring a valuable tool in meeting the very human need to spend time with another human who shows appreciation for what you bring to the table.

So while I continue to (politely) turn down the alcohol fueled, instant gratification desired, and rather transactional sounding offers I receive almost daily, I certainly don’t dismiss the possibility for another authentic mutually beneficial sugaring connection based on trust and respect.

After all, who doesn’t love a little sweetness in their connections. Sugar on, my friends.

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