In my head I was automatically re-writing the conversation. Willing the girl to stop apologizing for a reasonable request. There was nothing to be sorry about. She wasn’t disturbing the hostess on the call. She wasn’t rude when asking if they had space for six at the restaurant. “I’m sorry…” A few years ago, I began to notice how often I, and other women, apologized. The words “I’m sorry” flowed through our speech as though they were a required mandate. And it wasn’t just the frequency that grabbed my attention. It was the absurdity of the things that we all apologize for, that really became an irritant. We apologize for asking questions or directions or for assistance in a store. We apologize for requesting that someone move out of our way when they are blocking us. We apologize for things others have done, that we played no part in. (“I’m sorry he hurt you.”) We apologize for not having extra hours in the day to serve others. We apologize for being smart or having knowledge on any subject. (I’m sorry but your comments aren’t based on correct information.”) We apologize for things we hire others to do. (I overheard a woman apologizing to a plumber for calling him to fix a burst pipe in an office. It’s his job to do so, and he was getting paid well for it.) We apologize for being too motherly or not motherly enough. As though “mothering” is a mandatory part of being a female. (It’s not.) We apologize for having children. We apologize for choosing not to have children. We apologize if we want to have children, but can’t. We apologize for traffic we didn’t cause, delays on flights we had no control over, and being exhausted at the end of our day. (“I’m sorry I just don’t have the energy to…”) We apologize for being too sexy in our dress, or not sexy enough. We apologize for wearing too much makeup, or too little. We apologize for not living up to a standard of femininity or strength or beauty that we didn’t set, yet are judged for not adhering to. We apologize for getting angry when attacked. As though our rage isn’t justified. We apologize for standing up to others when they are rude to us. As though we should stay silent and take the abuse. We apologize for walking, talking, breathing, existing. We apologize for being “too much”. And we apologize for not being enough. (“I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to the expectation of who you wanted me to be.”) As women we’ve been apologizing as a matter of course, and yet the truth is that the majority of the things we say “sorry” for, are not in fact a hurt or wrong that we have caused. Why are we apologizing? And who in fact taught us to do so? I began noticing each time the words “I’m sorry” would start to cross my lips, and it was astonishing how rote it had become. At first it appeared to be an annoying tick, a bad habit. But as I began to focus on how often the words were spoken by my female friends, I wondered if something more sinister is happening. Are we women taught to apologize so that we will not question the authority of others? Are we brought up to believe that we are always in the wrong? Or even worse, when we apologize for being right, have we been taught that we need to appease the sensibilities of those who are wrong? It’s begun to feel that we, as women, are being groomed to believe that we matter less than our male counterparts. And lest you think I’m being a “hysterical female” on this matter I offer these ideas as proof. We are taught to apologize for our independence. (“I’m sorry but I don’t need a man’s permission…”) We are instructed to apologize to those in positions of authority - even when they abuse the power. (“I’m sorry that you had to come out here to break up this fight.” I once overheard a woman whose face was bruised say that to a police officer. He suggested she “not get her boyfriend mad”, and let the man back inside the home. As he did so, the man violently grabbed the woman again. In front of the officer. Who did nothing.) We apologize for having nipples that may show through our shirts, even though men’s are visible as well. We apologize for having to speak up about our right to autonomy in our own bodies. (“I’m sorry but no man should be making laws concerning my uterus.”) We apologize and defer to our male partners on “traditionally male” subjects - even when we know more. (I’m sorry my husband will have to call you about the car/house/booking…”) It’s fascinating how we apologize for sticking up for our right to exist, as though we are less worthy humans than those born as cis gendered males. Because we are not. And yet the political climate in the US today is starting to validate the idea that there are those who view us as “less than” themselves. Less smart. Less capable. Less powerful. And less entitled to basic rights. Now I don’t have any children. Nor do I intend to create any. However I am worried for the next generation of women. Like the girl on the train. Who kept apologizing on the call while making a simple reservation. Because this bright young college student, seemed to think it was necessary to apologize to a restaurant for bringing them business. Wtf. And I wonder sometimes, if I have been unconsciously setting the wrong example to women like her. By allowing the words “I’m sorry” to continually permeate my speech for truly no reason. So I’ve stopped apologizing. Started to be more intentional in my speech. Noticed when others expect me to say “I’m sorry” for things I have no reason to apologize for. I no longer allow such people to influence my speech and actions. I’ve begun speaking up. With confidence. Conviction. Purpose. And I’m not at all sorry about it. Have something to say? Feel free to comment below. Want to support Tink's writings? 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AuthorTink, world traveler, positivity muse, and adult entertainer, has also freelance written for a number of companies as their ghostwriter. Now talking directly to YOU on this platform, she is also writing two books at her community's request. Archives
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