For why must my dreams of a vibrant and happy life be set aside for their need to have a maid and servant and baby making machine? Since when was my sole purpose to allow them to continue to create beings they intend to leave me to raise? And why should I perpetuate the myth that a women's existence is to cater to men? I am not the droid you’re looking for… The words are screaming in my head when I apply to job after job in positions I don’t want, that I am infinitely qualified for, but which sound ghastly and boring. But one needs a job to support a nice apartment and have “stuff” - things I don’t really want, but have enjoyed having, and apparently are important to demonstrating that I am here and part of the community and putting down roots… Only I want to be free free free… Must community only be created by proximity? Or can I not have one defined by aligned values and mutual respect and common interests? Do I need to stay, to prove I belong? I am not the droid you’re looking for… I’m asked about ambition and purpose and when will I “achieve” as though my degrees that I completed for my own satisfaction and joy (and paid for I might add) were not achievement enough. No I must collect titles, and employees to lord over, and lines on a piece of paper no one really reads with taggable key words which are as worthless as the sheet the resume is printed on. (Ironic considering paper itself was once a luxury and is now discarded as carelessly as the rights of women, and native peoples, and black peoples, and the LGBTQ+ community, are in the land of the “free”… Free as long as you are an old mediocre white man with so many zeros on a balance sheet that you could actually end the homeless crisis, and solve the hunger challenges so many face, and still swim in your money in a pool filled with dollars instead of water drops.) I am not the droid you’re looking for I am not the droid you are I am not the droid I am not I am… Like the Leo lioness I am, I’ve lived nine lives and more. Had the privilege, and joy, of starting over a dozen times in a dozen places. A privilege born of hard work, and harder choices, and the gift of kindness from people who chose to love me, and thoughtful assistance at random times by strangers, too. Yet, there is a part of me that wants so badly to fit in. Since I was a little girl I heard “You can be anything you want to be!” But always with the caveat that I must look a certain way, hit particular milestones:
And beautiful. I must be beautiful and sexy and cute and bubbly (but only in the way that suits whatever conventional standards society proclaims acceptable at that moment). “Be YOU!” They shout loudly! “We love YOU!” But always if I was ME in the way THEY (whoever they are) want me to be. Is it any wonder at various times in my life, I’ve felt so lost and disconnected? Sure, I did the “right things”, dressed in “acceptable ways”, smiled always (whether sad or angry or bewildered), and made THEM feel good because I lived up to the expectations of who THEY desired me to be. So fascinating, I realize now, that their worth was tied into diminishing my own. Off and on, I forget who I am. Because when the world screams loudly, I retreat away from the noise. It’s sometimes so much easier to be the droid they are looking for, than to simply be me. Or at least it was. For the past two and a half years, I’ve had the joy of living in a beautiful small community in New York. I landed there by accident. Never even heard of the city until I was halfway on my drive across country. This whimsical arrival however, proved to be a delight. I made friends quickly. Danced in the streets in summers, hiked the local state parks. Had a romance that turned out to be full of small town drama, and rather disappointing in it’s mundaneness. (But I suppose everyone should have at least one disappointing romance in their lives. Law of averages and all that jazz.) Got hugged in the streets by friends. Read my poetry aloud at events. I put down tiny roots, got a lovely space to live in, and thought “perhaps I’ll stay…” After all, good people are here, and I do like the idea of community. But along the way, and partly during the time of the mediocre romance, I noticed I was shrinking. “It’s okay”, I thought, “maybe routines are good for the soul.” But the more life became a monotony of sameness for me, the less interest I felt in being alive. Showing up somewhere because it’s “Tuesday” makes no sense to me. Shouldn’t I go because it’s interesting? I crave adventure. “Ah,” I was told, “but there is an adventure in creating a home! You can change its look for the seasons!” And at first it WAS fun to decorate with my thrifted and gifted finds. But the more stuff I had, the more suffocated I felt. (True, I have been told my aesthetic is still pretty minimalist. Yet for me, what I have now is “excessive”.) “Yes, but you have friends here! And how lovely to see them often!”, out of kindness they still tried to convince me. It cannot be disputed that my heart is truly grateful to have the opportunity to live near so many people I’ve grown to adore. But we all have the minutia of lives to lead. And so if I am not out and about spending money I don’t have, to go places I’ve already been a million times, it seems I am not seeing those lovely souls all so much… So many times in the leaving of places, I hear “Oh I wish we had more time together!” But we did, I was here, and time was spent doing other things. Totally natural and okay…still… None of this life I’ve been living for the past couple years has been bad in any way. A wonderful community, a pretty home, lots of things to do. Only after a while I noticed I was trying to be someone I am not… I created expectations for myself, based on the expectations I had drilled into me as a little girl. Follow a certain path, and you will be accepted and loved… Only I am not the droid I thought I was looking for. In no way am I saying that any of this wonderful life from the past almost three years has been anything less than another incredible experience on my journey. Truly I’ve learned so many beautiful lessons, and met creative, kind, and loving people. But when I start to do things by rote, and try to be something other than who I am, I become a shell of a myself and life loses it’s vibrancy. No one was forcing me to stay, but I so wanted to belong. It’s funny how, when we truly face our sadness/discontent/dissatisfaction, we see the only one capable of limiting ourselves, is ourselves. I am not the droid…but who am I? A much more challenging question to answer. But a delightful one to discover for oneself. I am a free-spirit who loves who she loves unapologetically - sometimes for a season or two, or forever, as the case may be. I am a gypsy who adores new spaces and places to explore. Appreciates the stories that everyone has to tell. And is grateful for all those who are open to sharing a tale, a meal, their time, energy, space, their bodies, ideas, really anything they are free to share. It’s a gift to simply be in connection. I am a simple girl. You may laugh, but I have no interest in baubles and fancy “luxuries”. I DO love beautiful things, but I don’t need much stuff to thrive. If I want expensive art, I’ll use a library pass to go view it in a museum. If I need clothes, I’ll thrift it or up-cycle it (I’d love a sewing machine actually), or trade with friends. I’m a creator of art, a dancer in my soul, a weaver of words, a person who views the world with wonder and curiosity. I don’t need to be “good” at the things I do, I only crave the joy of doing them. Community is my favorite “C” word. But my community is global - a tapestry of connections created through organic meetings, chance encounters, and authentic conversations. I am these things, and so much more - some I have yet to discover. There is nothing wrong with living a more traditional existence. I have friends who have created gorgeous lives filled with valued routines, comfortable and stable homes, and cherished ties to their cities and spaces. A part of me envies them. Because perhaps if I could just live this way too, I might get the acceptance the little girl in me still craves. Yet there is something about this kind of living, however, which doesn’t fit me. And so when I say “I am not the droid you’re looking for”, the blame for trying to fit into boxes that I don’t belong in, falls squarely on my own shoulders. Because when I try to be someone I am not, I become an unnatural version of myself. A robot, going through the motions, and creating an existence that looks shiny, but has no substance behind it. Isn’t it wonderful though, that we all have choice? So today I choose to be thankful for the time I have spent in Troy. I still have several weeks remaining to be in close proximity with the lovely friends I have made, and enjoy the life that thrives here. It is a gem of a community. What a gift to have been part of it - even for a brief time on my journey. And then, cherishing those connections (and hopefully maintaining them), this little wanderer goes off to create another chapter in a new space, and see more of what this wonderful world has to offer. For I may not be the droid you’re looking for, nor the one I tried make myself into. But I hope to be someone who shares her light with all she comes in contact with. Just as I am grateful to all who have shared the light of their humanity with me. Love you, peeps. Xoxo, Tink Have something to say? Feel free to comment below. Want to support Tink's writings? Click the link to Venmo here to become a patron of her work!
0 Comments
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorTink, world traveler, positivity muse, and adult entertainer, has also freelance written for a number of companies as their ghostwriter. Now talking directly to YOU on this platform, she is also writing two books at her community's request. Archives
January 2026
Categories
All
|
RSS Feed