The Internet Trolls are rather similar. They hide in plain sight. Often creating fake or anonymous accounts for the sole purpose of spewing vile into the stratosphere through comments and DMS. And then once poisoning others, or demanding a price to stop, they retreat back into the holes they crawled out of. Tracking the accounts does no good as they deactivate or delete them as fast as they create them. I’ve been a bit vulnerable lately. There’s so much GOOD happening in my world. And it’s AWESOME and TERRIFYING. I didn’t know so much fear existed inside me until I saw how much I WANTED what I suddenly discovered I had. A beautiful partner, a loving polycule, incredible friends who love me as I am, a community who seems to want me here. All of the things I never even knew I desired, never looked for, and now had practically dropped in my lap as though Santa Claus was tossing presents from the sky. And I haven’t even been that exceptionally good to deserve any of this. Plus now I’m traveling again to dance. I’m back in an industry in which I LOVE. I’m feeling sexy and empowered. I’m creating a schedule that, while physically and emotionally exhausting, also allows me to be PRESENT with the people I love. To create ROOTS and a LIFE full of CONNECTIONS and JOY. THIS IS AMAZING. But suddenly I am very very aware of how much I have to lose. I thought I had lost everything during the pandemic. And then again during my time in Florida where I lost financially what was left, and almost lost my sanity and my life because someone thought it was their right to “un-live” me. Just being alive today is a GIFT. And now all of this LOVE and JOY and CONNECTION. It’s almost too much. Almost. So yesterday I was already vulnerable when I woke up. In the interest of full disclosure, as I navigate the new waters of my life, my EATING DISORDER is flaring up full strength again. I found myself throwing out food the other day without realizing it. Negotiating with myself whether I “needed” to eat, or had “accomplished enough” to be worthy of eating. Trying to hide whether I’ve eaten at all. My weight is dropping rapidly and I know I need help with this. I’ve already begun researching the options as I’m aware of the danger. Because when I’m stressed I stop eating. And when I’m happy I “forget” to eat. So yesterday when I woke, I know I was already in low blood sugar mode too. Getting enough calories some days is a challenge now. (Note: I’m writing this from one of my favorite local coffee shops. I’m having a chocolate chip cookie. And I really am working to get professional help with the anorexic behaviors that have cropped up again.) Perhaps I should make a rule not to look at my phone until I eat. But that doesn’t change the fact that when I woke, I found a bunch of messages from “random” accounts spewing vile so poisonous I began hyperventilating. Full blown panic attack. The kind of suffocating feeling I had during the pandemic when I passed out wearing the masks. The content of the messages were different, and came from multiple accounts, but the theme of each was similar. I was TRASH and a WHORE. I WASN’T WORTHY of love. I was an IMPOSTER who had no right to talk of joy. I SHOULD HAVE DIED already, and when I did eventually, no one would miss me. I SHOULD OFF MYSELF because I was such a disgusting gross human. Who did I think I was to post inspiration when NO ONE CARED? And in case I wasn’t feeling BADLY enough, one of the messages specifically let me know that my PARTNER DIDN’T LOVE ME, no one did, and no one in town would care when I left. OR DIED. Whichever came first. Multiple accounts. I suspect one author - although I have no idea who, or why. I reported and blocked and deleted. I hate that I even remember so much of what was said. I checked from my other accounts later to find that the accounts had been either deactivated or deleted. So they were literally created for the sole purpose of sending heinous messages and then had no further use. It’s not the first time this has happened. Over the years I’ve received this type of message - sometimes anonymously, sometimes from people “proudly” letting me know what they think. But this was so angry and descriptive…Whoever it was put EFFORT into this attack. And I am just so so tired lately. There’s a part of me that thinks I should have “thicker skin”. But I’m also grateful that I haven’t developed this calloused “fuck the world” attitude. I actually still believe - even after what I’ve been through and seen - that MOST people in the world WANT to be kind, to be CONNECTED, to LOVE and BE LOVED. So I’m glad that that these experiences, or the in-person unkindness I’ve received, has never shaken my faith in humanity. But yesterday it was TOO much. I’m already feeling fragile even as I try to be brave. And I found myself wanting to run. Far away. Not just from my partner and friends (who have been loving and done everything they can to reassure me that I am WANTED and SAFE and LOVED). No I wanted to run from EVERYONE. To disconnect from social media. To pack my stuff. To quietly break my lease. Slip out of town. Go somewhere where no one has heard of me. And blend somehow into anonymity just so that I can stop being the target of people who have so much anger inside, that they are determined to lash out at a girl who just wants to be happy and healthy. Because how dare I want that for myself… I wrote about it in my journal. The desire to disappear. To just vanish and have some peace and quiet. To have the noise of the world stop. Because there are days when it just hurts like hell to get up. I think that’s why lately - just when I thought I had it under control again - anorexia has reared it’s ugly head. See if I just keep getting smaller and smaller, then maybe I will be under the radar and no one can have me in their sights anymore. Maybe then I will be safe and can just exist. Maybe if I am so tiny and insignificant, no one will mind me taking up a bit of air to breathe and walk and talk and dance. It won’t work though. I know this on a “logical level” as my friend Kayla would say. Because before I was ever on social media, I attracted attention just for being here on this planet. Someone told me once it was because I had such an “open face that looks at the world as though it’s magic”. Others have said it was my energy that draws people in. Which means for better or worse, I will continue to be a magnet for both the incredible people who have added so much joy and value to my world. And for those who want to channel their anger in any other direction so that they don’t have to deal with the void within themselves. Let’s be honest here. It’s not me they hate. It’s what I represent. Someone who still looks at the world with HOPE. And they want that for themselves. But instead of working on healing their own wounds, they will lash out and try to destroy everything in their path. I have this theory. That perhaps the only thing wrong with the world is that people are scared to look in the mirror. That maybe they might not like what’s staring back. So they decide to direct their hatred outward. But only a coward lashes out under the cover of darkness to harm another human. And social media anonymity is about as dark as it comes. Last night at karaoke I closed the night singing Whitney Houston’s song “I will Always Love You”. It’s a song that runs through my head when I want to leave lately. To run away. Because the Internet Trolls did get one thing right. I don’t think I’m worthy of all this LOVE that I’m receiving. I don’t think I’m what anyone “needs”. Not my partner. Not my polycule. Not my friends. Hell, whoever set up all those fake accounts yesterday really wasted their time. I already have heard the same toxic mantra my whole life. I can practically recite the litany of reasons why I haven’t the right to be here on this planet because it's been repeated to me so many times, it’s become a cannon of text in my head. Some days I’m just proud of myself for not having jumped off a bridge yet. Because I’ve literally had people tell me that I should. That the world will be better if I am NOT here. But I sang the song last night because I wanted to get it OUT of my head. I know no one “needs” me in their lives. None of us “need” anyone. It’s actually healthy to not need someone because that means you are complete and whole in and of yourself. So no, my sweetheart and friends do not NEED me. But they have made it damn clear that they WANT me in their lives. And the only way that can happen is if I actually BELIEVE it and stop trying to run every time I get afraid. That I STAY. Yesterday I posted to my IG story about how vulnerable I felt. I mentioned briefly what happened and how tired I was. That I needed hugs and help being strong. Then I went offline for a bit. And when I logged back in, I cried again. But this time tears of joy. Because so many of you took the time to reach out. To let me know I mattered. That you wanted me in your lives - whether in person or online. To remind me that these trolls were not right. That my existence added value. That I was worthy of love, and that you loved the idea that I loved all of you too. There’s so many of you out there that have added such value to my life. Many of you I met on my travels, sometimes only briefly in person. And yet you’ve chosen to stay connected in the most authentic ways - sharing your lives and thoughts and hopes and dreams. We’ve used social media to be connected. Plus through the power of social media, now I get to share online, all the joy happening offline. All the fun with my loves here as I try to put down some roots. And you’re cheering me on, just as I have done with you through the years. So the question becomes, how do we stop the trolls from commandeering social media to spread their hatred and poison us all? I think the answer lies in what we all do daily, and in what you all did yesterday. We pause. We reach out. We connect. We take the time to send the encouraging messages (many of which I did screenshot to remind myself of the love later). Then in “real life”, we show up. We text. We hug. We ask and we listen. And then we LOVE. Like LOVE one another FIERCELY. Boldly. Bravely. Openly. We give love. We receive it. We spread it. We ask ourselves before we speak or act if what we are going to say or do will harm or heal. If our intent is to destroy or support. We pause to look in the mirror - before we look at anyone else - and make sure we like what we see looking back. Social media can be a tool to tear us apart. We’ve already seen how some use it to rip apart the fabric of society. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Social media can also be a bridge to keep us connected. A resource to build a better more loving world. Thank you to everyone who reminded me of that yesterday. Sending love and light and a heart full of gratitude…. Xoxo Tink Have something to say? Feel free to comment below. Want to support Tink's writings? Click the Cashapp link here to become a patron of her work!
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AuthorTink, world traveler, positivity muse, and adult entertainer, has also freelance written for a number of companies as their ghostwriter. Now talking directly to YOU on this platform, she is also writing two books at her community's request. Archives
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