The frenemy within

I don’t want to move from this spot on the chair. Curled up in a small ball, I’m afraid I might unravel if I stretch my limbs and move. So I stay still, and wonder… 

Feeling frayed and worn out, would pieces of me begin to loosen and fall into scattered piles? Or would I try and pull the strings taut again into a smile - my usual armor to face the world?

Fighting depression is an exercise in holding onto a tenuous link to joy. One moment I’m giggling. The next it’s as though a tsunami of sadness dropped from the sky and left me drowning in tears. 

Or it can sneak up stealthily, like a spy trying to infiltrate a castle in a land of abundance. Because when life feels so damn good, who would ever expect depression to invade?

​And yet it does, always at the most inopportune moments. 

Like when you just want to enjoy a quiet night in with your partner, but instead find yourself fighting off tears and shaking for no reason.

Or when your friends are all wine drunk and punchy with laughter, yet you feel like you’ve been dropped into a room full of people speaking five different languages.

It’s wild how long you can hide the evidence of depression moving in. As long as you smile and laugh at the right moments, show up to work and say all the correct things, dress to impress and just…keep…going…

Well, then, nobody knows…right?

​Still, there are cracks in the joyful facade that makeup and knowing the perfect answer to social cues, just doesn’t cover. And one day you wake up and think, I simply can’t smile in this moment.

Or you find yourself curled up on a chair feeling like a ball of yarn wound too tight, or too loose. Either way, its too much for your limbs to move.

My depression is more like that annoying person who calls you friend, shows up to every party you’re at, but is more frenemy than friend. It’s been with me for years. 

Until recently, I had no time to give it more than a passing acknowledgment. A “hey I see you, but don’t have time to deal with you” curt, tight lipped smile, and nod.

I kept tamping it down, and swallowing the pain until I learned to numb myself from it’s effects. After all, with so much joy in my life, surely I, of all people, was not REALLY depressed.

Only I was, even as I was joyful. 

It’s funny how two truths can be present at the same time. I was both happy to be alive, and feeling so much sadness from things that I experienced beyond my control, that the most basic of movements felt challenging.

Which is where we find me tonight. 

Because although I’ve talking in past tense, depression likes to seep into my present. So here I am, after a long day of school, and then therapy, sitting on this chair and not wanting to move in case the tears spill out and drown me where I am.

Now don’t feel too sorry for me. I’m in a beautiful apartment that one of my partners is in the midst of moving into too. I am privileged to be learning a new skill in school (#techgirl). I still have loyal patrons and friends in the world of adult entertainment who enable me to work in a field I love.

I am also surrounded by love -  from partners and friends and community. I’ve traveled and lived in multiple countries. Once upon a time, I spoke a few languages too. (The knowledge of those words have retreated in the corners of my brain, but occasionally make appearances when I’m tired. Usually with comical effect.)

I’m mostly healthy - battling an eating disorder but still on the winning side. And if I was to itemize my list of blessings, I could fill pages upon pages.

But like everyone, I have scars that don’t show, and wounds that haven’t healed. And now depression is rearing up INSISTING I stop and PAY ATTENTION OR ELSE.

I don’t want to find out what’s on the other side of that threat. 

So instead, I’m pausing. Giving my depression a little hug, and saying “Ok, you have my attention. What would you like to say?”

Mine’s being rather outspoken. She wants me to take some time off - which I can’t do - to heal from things that I haven’t been able to face. 

She’s even insisting that I actually WOMAN UP and face the fears that show up in my nightmares - those flashbacks and replays on repeat from experiences I would much rather forget (along with the ones that apparently my brain won’t let me fully remember).

My depression is rather bossy. Kinda a bully to be honest. She is TIRED of being IGNORED and wants OUT.

I want her out too. 
Out of my head.
Out of my heart.
Out of this new chapter that finally has me experiencing love and light and community.

So I’ve decided to negotiate with her. Cut her a deal so to speak.

I’ll allow her to no longer hide in the shadows. I’ll be okay with her being a visible presence (on occasion) IF…

She promises to hit the road once we’ve cleaned up the residual messes others left behind for me to deal with. She’s got to move on once the scars are treated and the wounds are tended to.

Now depression is a sly little thing. She knows a good deal when she sees it. 

Because the truth is, she doesn’t want to stick around either. I’m a bit too naturally bright and cheerful for her. But she also recognizes her value, and wants her fair share of acknowledgment of her role in my life.

See, once upon a time, some bad things happened. And I, being on my own, didn’t have time to process or deal with any of them. 
​
Because I had to keep living and breathing and working and trying. So I mustered up whatever energy I could and threw it all in to …existing. And I tossed my depression into the furthest depths of my being and tried to lock her inside.

But now I have time to breathe and love and grow. And I want a beautiful HEALTHY and HAPPY journey from here on out. 

Yet somehow, when I wasn’t looking, my depression climbed her way up from where I hid her, and reminded me that SHE IS STILL HERE. 

 So I guess I finally have to face her and acknowledge her existence. (Dammit. I was sure I could keep her under wraps.) 

I’m hoping that one day, I can give my depression a final farewell hug, and send her on her way to …well, anywhere but where I am.

Until that day comes though, I’ll do my best not to unravel…and with that, I’m getting up off this chair, and getting ready for tomorrow. 

I heard it’s going to be a nice day. 

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