A sliver of light

The author heading out for a travel trip, while still staying grounded with the concept of "home".

Last night I attended my first group therapy session. I’m on a waiting list to be matched with an affordable professional for my individual journey. Hopefully one versed in dealing with anxiety and eating disorders.

But in the meantime, it was suggested that I try out the motivation drop in group that meets online weekly. I was told it might help simply to feel supported, or to listen to what others are saying about challenges they are facing.

It was only recently that I began speaking out publicly about these issues that affect my daily life. In the past, I felt I had to put on a brave face, smile at the world, and never let on that inside was a constant battle. That a relentless conversation went on in my head about whether it was okay to eat, did I earn the right to eat, was I going to be worthy of eating, was it really necessary to eat.

And like the proverbial snake that swallows its own tail, my anxiety - an entity completely separate and stemming from traumatic experiences in my past - fed the eating disorder. While the eating disorder - an issue with roots in my childhood - increased my anxiety.

Ironically, now that I am safe, in a happy and loving romantic situation, building a life in a warm, welcoming, accepting community, both the anxiety and eating disorder have escalated. That’s not unusual.

Known as “decompression” or “safety paradox”, this phenomenon occurs because the lessening of the major stressors give space for the previously suppressed emotions or reactions to surface more readily.

Let’s face it. No one has the luxury of dealing with your issues when stuck in survival mode. So it makes sense, that shizzle comes up when you feel safe.

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